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Grief, Loss, Death, and Dying Index
INFORMATION
and ADVICE It is usually most helpful to explore all your emotions after a loss. In a normal grief reaction people feel very sad or even angry at the loss (to the degree the person was important to them). They may feel sad for the other person and for themselves or others whose lives will be missing important elements that the lost person provided. That person may have helped meet important needs for companionship, emotional support, fun, love, conversation, advice, financial support, etc. The loss of that person means that others must find new ways to meet these needs in their lives that are suddenly more empty. The sooner that those needs are met, the sooner the others can adjust to the loss. So planning and action to help meet these needs can help a great deal. Just (1) identifying the missing needs and (2) forming good plans for meeting these needs can be a very effective means for dealing with grief. (3)Effective action must eventually follow planning, or the cycle must be restarted. People often feel anger at others or even God when they lose someone. These feelings will change only as they learn to accept the fact of the loss and the fact that they can find happiness through means other than having that person in their lives. It is always possible if one looks well enough. If anger is a primary problem, go to the section for dealing with anger. People often feel guilt about their own role in the loss. It is normal to question oneself and feel guilty even about things that might not have made a difference. Nevertheless, it is also important to "change that which one can change and accept that which one cannot (or will not) change." Sometimes guilt over ones role in a loss (such as in the breakup of a relationship) can be a useful impetus to change some aspect of oneself that is causing repeated problems in relationships. Working on oneself or counseling can help. Also, one must learn to accept and even forgive oneself or any others who might have been instrumental in the loss. Remember, that you must come to peace within yourself about the harm that you or someone else has caused to get over the grief and move on with your life. You are accepting and forgiving others--not just for them--but so that you can have peace within. Having (or developing) a meaningful and constructive philosophy of life or spiritual life can be very helpful to solving the deeper issues that people feel anxiety and despair about. Death is usually one of our greatest fears. If you have not come to terms with the thought of your own or others' death, then you will be especially disturbed by a death because it will be more threatening to you personally. Other underlying fears might be fear of being alone, poor, infirm, or rejected. For more help on dealing with these underlying fears, go to http://www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/h43dark.htm In addition to the above suggestions, be sure to take especially good care of yourself and your own needs. Eat well, get lots of exercise, seek positive support from others, read inspirational or self-help materials, get spiritual help and support, spend time in activities or environments that are calming, fun, and helpful. One misguided idea many people have is that if they love someone, they will feel miserable and withdraw from all forms of normal life during a long grieving period. Such self-deprivation may only prolong and stamp in the personal misery. It doesn't help the dead or missing person one bit, it only adds to your own misery. If the person really loved you, he/she would want you to recover as soon as possible, go on with your normal life as soon as possible, and be as happy as possible from then on. Seeking spiritual help from a wise counsel of your own religious or general belief persuasion can be very helpful; so can good professional counseling from someone who is good at dealing with grief. Also, you may find a grief support group available in the community at a church, HMO, college, or counseling center. INTERNET
LINKS Grief, Death, and Dying Links ***Growth House, Inc. ***Counseling For Loss ***Virtual Pamphlet Collection of the
University of Chicago--SEE GRIEF and DEPRESSION
GO TO: book_sites.htm Counseling and
Psychological Services (CAPS) Other student services and
student organizations may also be helpful |
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Home Page Free, full-length self-help manuals.
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at www.csulb.edu/~tstevens California State University, Long Beach (CSULB) Copyright 2006, Tom G. Stevens PhD URL of this web site is www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/success
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